Private Thoughts Are Best Kept Private
by darkshadowgirl666
Summary: Some entries from Severus' journal that reveals more than he means to, to the people he really doesn't want reading it. Mature JP/SB LM/SS, and intermixing. Set in Severus' 6th Year.
1. Chapter 1

Private Thoughts Are Best Kept Private.

AU slightly. Mature for sexual references and swearing. Don't read if it's not your thing.

_August 31st 1977_

_"Dear Journal,_

_I have absolutely no idea why I'm even using this, but mother insisted. She said I had seemed to be less focused or something during the summer so this diary would help me to get things off of my chest and _return to the real world_. Not that there's much of anything on it in the first place. I'm sixteen, seventeen in a few months, and yet still waiting for puberty to fully kick in. If it already has then I'm fucked._

_Lucius thinks that I'm not very appealing when it comes to my body, with which I admit I agree with him, but otherwise someone who's good to talk with. Better than Crabbe and Goyle anyway, and certainly better than Narcissa Black. After he left Hogwarts and married the blonde Black bimbo, he refuses to let me go, even if he has so many more people like himself to talk to._

_He tried to do something last year when he came to visit, though, that I'm sure was just to satiate his boredom because what other reason could it be for?_

_We were both in the common room on sitting opposite each other in the armchairs in front of the fire, alone, because all the others had gone for dinner. I was reading an Advanced Potions book from the Restricted section of the library, with written permission from Professor Slughorn of course, when Lucius had sat next to me. I think he had maybe come back from a visit to Professor Slughorn, but I had no idea why he would look for me, even if he were my only friend._

_I ignored him for the most part and kept reading, until he came closer and put his hand very close to my left thigh. Which is saying something because I was sitting with my whole body on the sofa, legs drawn up with my back to the arm rest. I tried to keep reading but he snatched the book right out of my hands, dog-eared the page, (Madam Pince, the librarian, will go mad. She can't give me detention but I think Mr. Tobeson, the Caretaker may like her) and set it aside. _

_That done he leaned forward, between my legs to get closer and actually kissed me full on the lips for so long I couldn't breathe when he stopped! I think I must have gone into shock or something but the next thing I knew I was being roughly pushed up the stairs to the Head Boy's room, (how did he know the password?) through the door and onto the bed where he turned me around and began to abuse my neck with his tongue! It was warm and sticky and unnerving but when I pushed away he held my wrists over my head. Being of a more muscular build and also much taller he stilled me in moments and I was helpless. _

_What I didn't like even more was that he had started removing my clothes, letting go of my arms while he pulled my shirt over my head and then held on again in an iron grip as I laid across the emerald silk covers, my heart beating hard like those muggle rock drummers I saw on the music channel when Father flipped through. I hadn't noticed him stop assaulting my neck as I was still struggling against him but certainly felt that mouth organ once more, this time on my collarbone and sinking lower towards my nipple and then claiming it. I gasped. I had started to shiver by this time and was whimpering at the shock of pleasure it sent down my spine and somewhere between my legs._

_Minutes later he began unzipping my trousers and then sliding them down along with my boxers too. Slipping those off of me he held down my hips with his other hand and my thighs with his leg all the while looking me up and down as if something of value to purchase at a store; nothing more than an inanimate object or something without thoughts and feelings._

_As he had most of me pinned under him he simply took the hand on my hips and held it...elsewhere, in a place that I was quite sure was supposed to be in access to only me and whomever I decide to marry or make love to. It wasn't supposed to happen this soon. Nor would it ever, I had thought before then._

_I really don't wish to write this down but I'd been having nightmares over it so, I suppose, better in a book than tormenting me in the time that is meant for dreaming._

_For some reason the image of Black entered my mind._

_As he began to run his and up and down and he picked up his pace I felt all of my blood rushing to my navel and I gasped, moaning as he got harder, faster. The image of Black had become a whole picture and 'he' began to strip off his uniform, right down to his boxers. I could feel some sort of very hard, very large bump as someone straddled my legs and it disturbed me. Was that Lucius?_

_That thought was stripped from my mind as I felt something almost painful build up somewhere inside my stomach and I once again gasped._

_'Black' had begun to do what Lucius was doing to me; he was laid on his back, legs spread with his feet flat on the floor. His hair was spread all around his head like a dark halo and he was moaning as he pumped himself moving the other hand through his long, black locks, saying my name with every other breath and whispering some dome dirty things he said he'd do to me. This started me involuntarily moaning louder._

_Suddenly Potter appeared in the picture, also completely nude; he lay down beside Black, began to kiss him passionately, as Lucius had begun to do to me, though Potter wasn't doing it a roughly. He had slipped his tongue in as well and while I tried to fight him, he claimed dominance. By this time he had released my hands and was using his free one to play with my nipples. He needn't worry though. I was far gone by then and my hands were clutching his shoulders, trying to get him to pump faster by bucking my hips. It seemed to work._

_Potter and black; boy, were they a sight. Or thought? Fantasy? Whatever._

_They were rubbing their groins together like...like tight muggle jeans against the skin. Then the feeling in my stomach tightened and this sticky white substance shot from the tip of my...penis...(eugh) and an involuntary gutteral sound escaped my lips and deep panting, I was sweating all over, including the pubic area._

_In my head my two sexually aroused tormenters where doing the same, each moaning my name in bliss. That also distrubed me._

_Lucius was cleaning the front of his trousers with a charm. After all that he was still clothed._

_He left soon afterward. I got dressed and headed for the common room. Everybody else would still be in the Great Hall for another few minutes so I got my book from the table infront of the fire and sped for my dormitory and straight to bed._

_Lucius didn't mention the incident and still hasn't. I hadn't been able to look at Potter and Black since with out blushing from embarrasment. I don't think theyv'e figured it out yet but Lupin is smart. He's probably just waiting for the perfect time to reveal what he thinks is my crush on them._

_As if. I hate them with my very being, I just can't help my traitorous body; I swear it's determined to get itself murdered despite the body's natural Survival Instinct._

_Anyway I suppose it's good for me to write in this thing. My mind is crowded with more than just thoughts so if I dont send them somewhere else I might just explode from the pressure. Or implode, I'm not sure._

_Lately I've been trying to find a way to get back at Potter and his idiotic followers. I've decided to keep my distance with Lupin; since dicovering his Hybrid peronality in fifth year I have been careful to stay as far from him as possible. And he could tell the dimwits anytime of my supposed crush._

_Pettigrew, the little rat, is not worth it. I dont understand why they let him so close. He's cowardly and how he ever managed to deceive the Sorting Hat into putting him in Gryffindor I will never understand. _

_Black and Potter are the two to worry about. I've no idea why but I get the feeling Black tried to get me killed all through fifth year. Especially with the stunt with the Womping Willow; that must have been his most successful plan. Potter is merely in it to play jokes and impress Lil - Evans. He's obsessed with her. Not to mention Quidditch. Black is the dangerous one. He's the one to watch out for. _

_In more ways than one._

_-Severus_

Snape put the book, with the ink which he'd charmed with very strong spells for only his eyes to see, under his pillow.

He had known about his prefered sexuality when he was twelve and had somehow develped a crush on Lucius himself, who was in Sixth year at the time. Lucius had found out and had teased him privately for weeks.

After that it was some boy in Ravenclaw three years above him who was exceptionally intelligent, even more so than the others and even Flitwick, maybe, but he had turned out to be not only completely straight but religious too. Apparently, in whatever culture or religion he had come from, gays and bi's were tortured, _Crucio'_ed for hours and then killed slowly.

He had stayed away from him after that.

Snape slept, plagued by the after thoughts of writing in the journal/diary. Lucius had come in with a whip and Potter and Black were sitting seductively on their hands and knees around him at his feet. Both wearing nothing but very small revealing briefs. Or thongs? Er...

They were all looking at him, Snape, with the most wanting lustful smirks and the two on their knees began to crawl toward him.

OxoXoxO

A/N this just suddenly came to me after reading some SB/SS fics here on .

Rated 16+ so it's like, Mature, i guess, cuz im 16. yay. -.-; My first mature fic on .

Review if you want to, for questions and flames and the like. Just restrain from writing anything particularly rude.

This might become more than a one-shot but maybe when I'm older.

**Edit:** minor changes to the date and some details. 25/08/08


	2. Chapter 2

Private Thoughts Are Best Kept Private.

AU slightly. Mature for sexual references and mild swearing.

_September 1st 1978_

_"Dear Journal,_

_Well I'm alive to start seventh year, and I'm sure it'll be _So _much fun. Note sarcasm._

_Anyway, I'm on the train with Avery, Nott and Bullstrode; they all keep asking me what I'm writing and start shouting 'Sevvies got a Diary' when I tell them it's nothing. I haven't seen the idiotic Gryffindors yet and Lily actually waved to me. I think I must have looked shocked or something because she giggled and began to board the train, after I waved back like my arm was made of lead. _

_After writing the entry last night I had the strangest dream. It was arousing and disgusting at the same time. It was probably because Lucius, Potter and Black were in one frame at the same time. I don't want to explain it really. _

_I think that's about it._

_- Severus_

OxoXoxO

_September 1st 1973_

_The Gryffindorks cornered me after my trip to the bathroom on the train. I came back to the compartment looking like a drenched fish. Apparently my hair looks 'great for seaweed a substitute'._

_Dinner was irritating. That Old Fool actually began to talk about House Unity! __As if that will ever happen. __There were only three first years to come to Slytherin this year. The majority went to Gryffindor and Ravenclaw._

_Somehow they found me after dinner too! I was walking alone through a shortcut I had found in fourth year, reading a Dark Arts book. Avery had told me the password after getting it off a Prefect so I wouldn't have to wait for morning or for another prefect to find me._

_I had stopped because one page of writing didn't make sense. It began with The Unforgivables on one side and different types Slow Poisons for interrogation use on the other. I began to un-stick the two pages when I heard voices behind me so I marked the page and walked quickly down the hidden corridor. I somehow ended up at a dead end._

_The voices were getting closer now and I managed to distinguish them. There was a laugh that sounded like bark. Black?! _

_Shit._

_Holding the book under my arm I moved my hand across the wall. I don't see how it could have closed up as it had went all the way up to the Fifth Floor without a break when I had found it, a joining hallway every few minutes on the left or right. Hogwarts is a magical school after all, maybe it just hates me that much it has to mock me._

_The group behind me was within sight by then and they had spotted me, if the malicious laughter and insults were any indication. I just stood in one spot, facing the stone and braced myself for impact. Why the hell did I have to leave my wand in my trunk?!_

_I think it was Potter that grabbed the back of my robes, turned me around and shoved me against the wall. My head hit the wall and I saw stars. He put his mouth as close to my ear as he could without touching my hair and whispered something, even though everybody heard it and laughed. Lupin didn't though, I think. _

_"Awww, you lost Snivelly?"_

_I didn't say anything because I was still too dizzy to even look at him. My eyes were shut tight. Potter released my robes and someone else took his place. Black, I presume. Lupin wouldn't join in with their games and Pettigrew is a coward as I have established before._

_Black leaned on me heavily, to put me out of breath I think. Well, it worked. I felt my face heat up. _

_"Well, Snivelly? What's your answer?" _

_I turned my head away. My heartbeat had started to climb when his breath fluttered across my face. I don't know how someone could become sick that fast but I was._

_He pushed away from me and said something to Potter. They laughed, Pettigrew, the rat, joined in pathetically._

_"Hey, Padfoot. I dare you to..." Potter whispered into his ear conspiratorially. Black gasped, whether it was false or not I couldn't tell. _

_"Alright, Prongs. You've got a deal. One minute though, only."_

_"You got it, Pads." What kind of Nicknames are these anyway? Dim-witted numb-skulls._

_Black grabbed the front of my robes and pushed some panel in the wall then pulled me through the newly appeared doorway toward the Fifth Floor corridor that was suddenly closer than I remembered. The other three waited outside a room, keeping watch somehow without getting caught, as Black pushed me roughly through the Prefect's bathroom door after saying the password (Lemony fresh)._

_He pulled me up as I struggled to get away from him. He was stronger than I was though, as most were, and held me against the wall. _

_Whatever they had been talking about in the passageway I had not been expecting this. _

_Black...Well I think I must have gone into shock because I don't remember much. The seconds somehow felt like an hour and still he was there. His hands wondered inside my robes, un-tucking my shirt and sliding it under, toward my chest. My eyes closed and my hands held themselves onto his shoulders. I seriously hoped he wasn't doing what I thought he was doing._

_His hand went in another direction and pulled at the waistband of my trousers, unhooking the front and pulling down the zip. I felt a jolt up my spine and started when he began to stroke me through my boxers. The hand moved up and slid inside. By this time I was very hard, we both knew it. It was over in the matter of minutes and he slipped out before I was gathering myself up again. _

_I didn't hear them walk away and stood in there for ten minutes before using a Cleaning Charm and hurrying down some generally invisible short cuts to the Common Room, which was empty, thank Salazar, and straight up to the Dorm. I changed quickly and quietly so I wouldn't wait the others. _

_Tomorrow will be awkward. I severely hope our classes aren't mixed. A hope that is very much in vain, as Dumbledore deliberately puts us all together I'm sure._

_Also...Black tastes like cherries._

_- Severus_

Severus shut the book and locked it with a charm he invented that kept the book with him at all times and alerted him to any one trying to open it. It also had Dark Magic Locks on it and was charmed to look like his old Third year second-hand potions text.

He didn't know why Black had kissed him, probably on a dare, and he didn't really care.

It would be difficult getting to sleep tonight. Especially with his lips still tingling from that searing kiss, and a trail of cold fire where Black had touched, right down to the...

But was that normal? He was sure that not being able to get one of your enemies' face out off your mind couldn't be normal, but it didn't seem to matter when his soothing voice was lulling him to sleep...

OxoXoxO

Very sorry about not updating this earlier, but I won't make any excuses. Simply because I haven't really got any.

Anybody got any ideas? I'd just intended this to be a one-shot but I could make it last, I suppose.


	3. Chapter 3

Private Thoughts Are Best Kept Private.

AU slightly. Mature for sexual references, slash, and mild swearing throughtout story.

_September 2nd 1978_

_"Dear Journal,_

_Today had gone as usual. Lessons, Slytherin's, homework, Gryffindors. _

_I received a letter from Lucius in the morning post. It appears Narcissa is pregnant. Lucius is confident it's a boy; all Malfoy First-born's are boys. _

_He asked me if I would be the child's Godfather. I don't particularly wish to baby-sit the brat if it lives past birth, as he's sure it will, another 'Gift from the God's', but it could mean perhaps favours from Lucius and his power behind whatever I could wish for._

_But I must think it through first. Why would he want me to be the Godfather? Is this why he took me in when I first started Hogwarts, and guarded me against the other Slytherins? Would it be to take advantage of my Potions abilities? Simply because he thinks I could help him or will he just do what everybody else thinks is ok to do? Use me and throw me away when the job is done? _

_I replied to him and accepted._

_When I checked this morning at Breakfast, the Gryffindors didn't act any different to me after last night. It seems I was the only one affected. _

_I should have realized they would not see me of any worthwhile feelings. _

_Lily talked to me today. In the Entrance Hall, after Dinner, she, and I were two of the first finished._

_She said I'd looked distracted all day; apparently I'd completely ignored Potter and Black when they'd insulted me in the hallways between classes and I'd also sub-consciously avoided their pranks and traps without even thinking. Everyone had been watching me throughout the whole meal, including the teacher's, but I hadn't realized._

_They caught up to me after Lily left for the Gryffindor's Common Room and I for my own. They pushed me against the wall inside an empty classroom just inside the dungeons. _

_My head was clouded with half-thoughts that I wasn't even aware I was thinking, until my head banged against the concrete wall, shaking it clear._

_I became aware of my feet dangling half a foot off the floor, my shirt, and robes bunched into powerful fists. _

_"What's up, Snivelly? Been avoiding us today, have you?" I grasped the wrists. Hazel eyes behind glasses glared at me, twinkling with morbid amusement._

_"James, please. Are you sure-?" That sounded like Lupin about to object to something. He didn't usually try to stop the other two from doing anything, he just stood there. Indifferent. Uninvolved. _

_"Come on, Moony, don't back-out now! This'll be great!" Black barked laughter. Moony? Hah. But the more imposing problem was that this must be serious if Lupin was intervening. Or at least, trying to. _

_I began to struggle against Potter's hold. Black approached, maybe to help subdue me. I struggled more. _

_Potter pushed me to the floor, and straddled my thighs, holding my arms and wrists above my head. I couldn't move my hands but for the fingers._

_Pettigrew looked awed, terrified, and excited all at once, standing back against the desks. Lupin looked very worried or stressed. He grabbed the cloak lying over the teacher's desk and stepped outside, shutting the door behind him._

_Black stunned me while he and Potter bound and tied me up on a chair. I couldn't move even my jaw. My heart was pounding against my chest. My breathing was shallow and hard. I was sweating. When they were finished, Potter pointed his wand at me and interrogated me about something or other. Their voices wove in and out of my mind as my conscious thoughts were elsewhere, despite the possible danger I may have been in. I felt myself melting with anticipation and horror. I replied that I didn't know. They didn't believe me._

_Finally, they thought I was lying so much that I needed to be punished. _

_They untied me from the chair but kept my hands bound behind my back and threw me face-down on the floor. I think Pettigrew may have peed himself with excitement. I'll have to think of some subtle potion to give him later. His bladder won't let up so easily then, maybe if at all._

_They moved forward and lifted their wands, probably about to hex me, when Lupin entered again. His eyes widened and he 'Accioed' the two wands out of their hands and ordered them out. Something in his expression or his eyes must have convinced them because they and Pettigrew practically flew from the room, after sending me some venomous glares and Lupin looks of bemusement and betrayal, taking the cloak with them. _

_Lupin freed me after enough time for the other three to get to their Tower and back, and left without a word. It was past curfew but I was only a hallway and a few doors from the Common Room, and Lupin was a Prefect, last I heard. He would get no trouble._

_Nobody looked twice at me as I entered and swept straight to the Dorms. _

_Unfortunately, now that I think of it, I probably owe Lupin for helping me back there. I didn't ask for it and he didn't need to, but he's a bloody Gryffindor. They're so unpredictable. But Slytherins always keep their promises and always repay their debts. Hopefully it will come soon so I can get it over and done with._

_-Severus_

Severus looked over the beginning of the page and found himself wondering what Potter's and Black's brat's would look like. Lucius' would no doubt look like and exact replica, but smaller and more alike a Buddha Idol. There was no strain on the imagination there.

Potter's would have the same hair. It looked like a hereditary feature. Severus shuddered at the thought. A Mini - James Potter.

Black. He would likely have a lot of children, all bastards, counting the many girls that he probably bedded in a month, Severus thought savagely, while he would have none, as no sane girl, no female, would see him that way.

His thoughts wondered to the idea of having children, **_if_** some girl actually found him attractive, and wondered to what they would be like, and how he would feel about them. Would he know what to do? Would they like him? Did it matter?

He supposed not.

Slipping the book, charms and locks in place, under his pillow, Severus' last thought was of a familiar flavour on his tongue, but couldn't place it, and he slipped into darkness...


End file.
